The Open Sea Looks Good

I may be drowning, but I think I'll just keep heading toward the open sea just the same.

My pictures came in yesterday! I ordered photos from my Zen account (http://shellyleduke.zenfolio.com/) a week or so ago. I could have printed them at home I guess, but I couldn't wait to have my brother in law come set up the wireless printer. (It's all set now, of course.) Also, I've noticed over the years that the photos I print myself tend to fade. Does that happen to you? Add professional-grade printer to my wish list for the future.

Anyway, they came in. I opened them up and was immediately admonished by my 17 year old daughter for handling them incorrectly. I was touching their "faces" instead of holding them by the edges. This coming from a girl who abandons blue ray DVDs anywhere she pleases despite it being a pet peeve of her step father, who she loves dearly. I followed her advice, though, giving her credit because she wants to pursue a career in art therapy and does have a respect for art.

So after I had them spread out over my lap, theoretical finger prints and all, I realized that there is nowhere in my house where I can package them up in their bags (check!) and with my business cards (check!) without sharing with all my future customers the fact that we have a golden retriever. His name is Jake and one of the books we bought when we first got him said that all retriever owners call it "condiments", not dog hair. We are not surprised that this has manifested in our house as well. I keep asking Jake to please do some tidying up but he is very stubborn. I tell him that I read about a companion retriever who knows 180 commands, including how to remove a child's socks without biting toes. If another retriever can do that, why can't Jake just clean up a bit of hair that's his anyway? Does he need a special tool? Because I could take care of that. He doesn't care what I say as long as I keep giving him the heels from loaves of bread.

This means that I and all my new photography toys will head to the library today to use a clean table. Once things are put together we will probably go to Pakulis Farm where I hope my mom can make her customers feel guilty enough to buy my images. (Oops. Drowning again...) We will go to Pakulis Farm and drop off the images that the owner ordered when she decided to expand her offerings to customers!

Wish me luck.

But I have the best intentions...

Determination, dedication and hard work. Yes, of course. All three will surely lead to success. Someone recently hinted that I have none of these, or at least not enough to make it as a photographer or writer. Or maybe she was trying to encourage me. I guess I don't know.

Yes, you have to put in hard time to make it in any creative field. But if you don't, does that mean you're not determined, dedicated and working hard? Well, I guess if you don't do the work you're not working hard. But what about the other two? I'm determined to make it someday. The problem is, I can't predict when my death will be. Today, being in relatively good health, I certainly have all the time in the world so tomorrow works just as well.

And am I dedicated? The problem is, I'm dedicated to fear. Or, fear has  bound me in "What ifs". What if I write the wrong thing and lose a follower? What if no one buys my line? Or the dreaded, what if I can't do it?

I have perfectly-thought-out responses to the first two questions - responses that I would use with my students or friends. "So what if one follower doesn't like something, you will probably gain two more." "If no one is buying your chairs (see the movie Phenomenon) then at least you have enjoyed putting them together." I know both of those things are true. But for the last question, of course, there is no answer. First of all, "do" what? Become famous? Become rich? What do those words even mean? Write every day? Take a photograph every day? Upload writing or a photo every day? Hook 20 followers? 200? If I don't even know what I'm trying to do, how do I know I haven't done it?

Maybe I should make a ladder of goals for myself so I can see exactly what it is that I am trying to do. I will also add a short description of why I want to do it or what it means to me to each rung. Maybe that will help. And I can post it here, so not only will I be able to visualize what I'm doing (always a good strategy for me), but I will also have some writing to post!

As for the title of this post, it was nearly a year ago that I set up this Blog to catch my random, ADD-inspired writing. Yes, I had good intentions. But today is a new day and I have the phone number of my one  followers, so if she has forgotten about my blog I can just call her and tell her I'm starting again and I know she will read it (thanks, Mom).

One final note: we never understand our path until we've arrived. Maybe I've been doing exactly what I'm supposed to have been doing all along. I thought my teen age daughter sabotaged her employment search when she added a wrinkle to her visual presentation - she got a Mohawk. Then, fifty three weeks after she started looking and one week after the haircut, she got a job. Who knows - maybe the confidence she exuded by boasting a haircut she loved is what got her noticed. Maybe my melancholy angst and procrastination will help my journey somehow... or maybe I should just renew my ADD meds and get to work.